The Tournament

Everything you need to know — and a few things you probably didn't want to

⚖️

Rules of The Day

Simple, sensible, and almost entirely ignored after the third hole

1

The Winner

The lowest medal net score will be declared the winner.

Straightforward enough. It does all go downhill from here, mind you.
2

In the Event of a Tie

A playoff will take place at the first hole. The competitor's ball finishing nearest to the flag — and on the green — is declared the winner.

On the green. This is not as obvious as it sounds after a day at the Weed.
3

The Rules of Golf Apply

The Rules of golf apply throughout the tournament.

Yes, all of them. Even the ones you pretend don't exist.
4

The Convenor's Word is Final

The Tournament Convenor will have the final say in the event of any strop from any competitor.

Any. Strop. The Convenor has seen it all and is not impressed.
5

Maximum Handicap: 17

The maximum permitted handicap is seventeen. Competitors entering with a "lapsed" handicap will have one determined by the Tournament Convenor.

⚠️ Do not attempt to claim your handicap has "lapsed" to a suspiciously convenient number.
😤

Strop-O-Meter™

Current ambient strop level among competitors. Updated in real time by the Tournament Convenor.

Loading strop reading...

Chick Weed

Reading the rulebook.
Probably for the first time.

"The Tournament Convenor will have the say in the event of any strop."
— The most important sentence ever written in Scottish golf

🏌️

The One Club Debacle

A nearest-the-pin with a difference. A big difference. An orange one.

At 7 pm, as the dust settles on the day's golf and the first round of refreshments takes hold, competitors are presented with a life-defining choice...

Safe Option 🥤

Stay in the Lounge

Behave responsibly. Drink coke. Or orange and water. Be sensible. They know who they are.

Chosen by approximately 0 people with any self-respect.

Correct Choice 🟠

Venture Out to the First Tee

Have a go at "the nearest the pin." Armed with a bright orange Vivienne Saunders driver. Into the abyss.

Chosen by everyone worth knowing.

🟠 The Weapon of Choice: The Vivienne Saunders Driver

All tee shots must be made using a bright orange Vivienne Saunders driver — a club so spectacularly ill-suited to the task that it has become a legend in its own right. Once the club is in your hands, all rules of golf go firmly out of the window. What follows is a masterclass in chaos, peer pressure and creative heckle vocabulary.

✅ Officially Accepted Practices During the One Club Debacle:

"In the 2007 event, one person got his ball over the hill and only 2 others got their ball off the tee."
— A result considered a resounding success by all involved

🏆

The Prize

Nearest the pin wins. "Nearest" is used in the loosest possible sense of the word. Special mention must be given to Tapper, whose attempts at the One Club are described by witnesses as "most enjoyable entertainment." No further details available.

🍺

The Bar

A two-bar system. Class segregation, but make it golf.

⛳

The Players' Bar

Reserved exclusively for the Weed competitors. A safe haven from the outside world, where scorecards are disputed and jackets are coveted. Entry by green or pink jacket (preferably).

👔

The Other Bar

Occupied by the "old buzzards" in their shirts and ties. They are unaware that 40 drunken golfers are preparing to ruin their quiet Sunday evening. They will become aware shortly.

💷

The Damage

Bar prices are standard golf club fare. The winner should not need to pay much more than £90 for his round — excluding, naturally, the obligatory bottles of champagne. Always excluding the champagne.

🕗

Last Orders: 8pm

Regrettably, the bar closes at 8pm on Weed day, with all forty (increasingly unsteady) competitors thrown out by 8:30pm sharp. The management is not negotiating on this.

"In general the bar is to be avoided on the day of the Weed, as 40 drunken golfers can make a lot of noise which would spoil that Sunday evening quiet dinner."
— This is objectively the greatest selling point of the entire event

🚕

⚠️ Official Travel Advisory: Burns Taxis

Anyone requiring a taxi at 8:30pm can always approach Burns Taxis. However, this is not recommended. No further explanation is provided. No further explanation is required. You have been warned.

🌳

The Course

18 individually sized fields. One magnificent view. Zero easy holes.

Gopher surveying the course

Surveying the 14th tee

Cathcart Castle Golf Club has a long and illustrious history, having been created in the late 19th century by the collective efforts of a couple of arable farmers and a wealthy benefactor — which, if you think about it, is how most great things begin.

The course consists of 18 individually sized fields linked together by custom-built walkways and bridges, with the odd water feature thrown in for good effect. It is, in the most affectionate possible sense, a hilly affair.

🐄
Origins

Created by arable farmers and a wealthy benefactor. Late 19th century. Remarkably good timing.

🌾
The Fairways

18 individually sized fields. Linked by custom-built walkways and bridges. A feat of agricultural engineering.

💧
Water Features

Thrown in "for good effect." The ball-eating kind of good effect, naturally.

⛰️
The Hills

Many holes are "vertically challenged." This is a polite way of saying it is absolutely knackering.

👀
The Views

Quite spectacular. On a clear day you can see cars on the Erskine Bridge from the 14th tee. Truly worth the climb.

🔗
The Bridges

Custom built. Presumably to stop players having to wade between fields. A thoughtful touch.

📍 The 14th Tee — A View Worth Every Aching Knee

It is claimed that on a clear day, standing on the 14th tee, one can see cars and lorries on the Erskine Bridge. This is the course's premium attraction and goes some way to justifying the cardiovascular demands of getting there. Whether you can still see straight by the 14th during the Weed is an entirely separate matter.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑

The Members

Most of the interesting ones played in the Weed. Make of that what you will.

📋 The Ones You'd Want to Know

In all honesty, most of the members you'd actually want to know about are listed on the Players page. They are self-selecting that way.

If someone has played in the Weed, there's a reasonable chance they are worth knowing. If they haven't — well, there's a shirt-and-tie bar for a reason.

🌟 The Famous Ones

There have been some famous members over the years who probably deserve a mention — but not on this website.

Check out the official club website for more information and details on how to apply for membership.

⚠️ Official Membership Warning

Once you have played in the Weed, you unfortunately go to the bottom of the waiting list for club membership.

This is presumably the committee's revenge for the lounge incidents of years gone by. Worth it? Absolutely yes.

Chick Weed

Ready to take the plunge?

Once you play, you'll be back. You'll also be at the bottom of the waiting list. But you'll have the memories. And possibly a jacket.

Our Full Story → The Club →